Celebrity Deathmatch: Early Modern Edition

Do we all remember the Claymation spectacle "Celebrity Deathmatch" from the turn of the last century? The irreverent show featured clay models of celebrities engaging in ridiculous battles to the death. I’m going to consider some match-ups from each play we discussed this semester, and how they might proceed…

Henry v. Catherine: Henry bears an awkward display of limp swords and a moderate understanding of French. Catherine wears a billowing, layered white gown that allows her to hover, and, when cornered, spouts a waterfall of French insults. Catherine is insulted by Henry’s limp attacks and reaches her final Limit Break, “Je Ne Sais Pas Ca” (“I don’t know that”), which puts Henry in a state of Confusion. Then, Catherine floats away and the judges awkwardly declare Henry the de facto winner.

Antonio v. Portia: Bassanio enters the ring after the bell and both Antonio and Portia seem to be competing to protect Bassanio. Jeers from the crowd toward Antonio get louder, and eventually someone throws a dart that hits Antonio in the eye. Pandemonium ensues, and Portia calls for investigation to the perpetrator of the act and pays for Antonio’s medical bills.

Angelo v. Isabel: Isabel wears a nun’s habit and Angelo is dressed like a boring magistrate. Angelo closely inspects the ring as he enters, giving the referee a close once-over, and determines that the referee’s whistle goes against regulations. He refuses to fight. Isabel mocks him as a coward, takes the ref’s whistle, blows it herself, and starts wailing on Angelo. Angelo grabs Isabel’s head covering and rips it off; but her whole face comes off and she is revealed to be the Duke in disguise. Angelo turns bone-white and passes out. The Duke wins.

Othello v. Desdemona: Othello and Desdemona enter the ring hand-in-hand. At the bell, Desdemona says “finally, a chance to be alone with you, my dear,” and tries to kiss Othello. He pushes her away, but she persists until he uses his weight to toss her across the ring. Tears flow down Othello’s face and he falls down to his knees. Desdemona comes up behind Othello and places her hand on his shoulder, leaning down to kiss his head. As she does, Othello, bawling, grabs her suddenly and body-slams her to the floor. She explodes in a bloody mess. Othello stabs himself with a dagger. No one wins.

Paulina v. Leontes: Leontes is fully insane, wearing a tattered robe and a crown. He is full of nervous energy as he enters the ring. Paulina is dressed like Maggie Smith in the Harry Potter films and walks regally into the ring. As the fight begins, Leontes bounces around the ring, taking swipes at Paulina that she deftly evades. When at last it looks like Leontes will land a punch, Paulina “blinks” to the other side of the ring. This infuriates Leontes, who becomes even more animalistic, but Paulina continually evades his attacks. Eventually, Leontes tires out and collapses. Paulina procures a wand from her robes and turns Leontes to stone. Paulina wins.